[HAYDEN MAY JAMES]

DUSTIN GASPARD MCCARRAN

it was with a soft sigh she found herself woken from her sleep. she'd been dreaming but she couldn't recall what it had been about. there was just this soft and contended feeling she had and it made her smile into the darkness without thinking too much about it. she took a second to listen for dustin's breathing behind her, the softness as he slept, and she hoped to anything it was a peaceful sleep he was having. things had been so hard the last few months for him. she hated that she couldn't snap her fingers and make it better for him. she knew he loved his family but they were trying at times and even she couldn't deny that. but it was the silent struggles, the moments after the fights that his family missed. the way his shoulders were just carried a little less high. the things they missed because they didn't get to see him like she did. though she was aware that as much as they were together, there was so much he didn't let her see either.

once she was satisfied that he was still there she shifted slightly between the sheets, listening to the monitor they still had in dean's room. it might have seemed like a bit much but there were reasons she insisted on it, because she had an ever present fear that daz would work out what her and dustin were trying to hard to keep secret. she knew that if he figured it out while dean was young he'd be back, he'd do what he could to make them miserable, to never let them forget or worse, he'd do what he'd done to another family and tear the child away from them. it made her sick to her stomach to think about losing her child like that so she made sure she could always hear him at night. she could hear him snoring softly and it made her smile once more, knowing that he, like his real father, was sleeping just like he was in the bed next to her. all was right in her world and it made her sink back against her pillows.

it was then she felt a familiar sensation in her middle, the feeling of her and dustin's child shifting within her and she rested her hand atop it gently. she felt her mind drifting off a little, wondering how this child was going to fit into life in the home, especially with everything going on. it hadn't been planned but she knew it was welcome and she knew it was loved but she couldn't help but be worried it was the wrong timing. as if to disagree with her, she felt something against her palm she hadn't felt yet. she gasped softly as she felt the small thump again. "finally little one." she said softly into the dark as she held her hand there before she turned her head to where dustin lay and she shifted slightly to whisper against his ear "dustin, mon amour, veux-tu te réveiller?." if he was in a deep enough sleep he shouldn't hear her but if he was rousable, she was certain he'd want to feel their child's first kicks, especially at the moment.

[DUSTIN GASPARD MCCARRAN]

"Dustin, we can't hold them!!" The voice had to shout to be heard over the constant rattling of gunfire from both sides. Dustin grit his teeth and popped back over the sill of the bare window to take aim again, ignoring the words as he kept returning fire. "Dustin!" He ignored the shout a second time, his finger on the trigger, the sound of the popping filled his head as he carried on regardless. A hand on his arm, shaking him, he frowned and ripped himself away from the sill, ducking down to avoid the returning shot that hit a little close to home. "Damn it, Francois, you don't pull that shit!" He shouted in return through clenched teeth, turning to reprimand his soldier for the reckless act - only to see his friend down on the dusty ground, both hands clutching at his neck as red spilling through his fingers. "No!" Dustin scrambled over to him, guilt swamped him for his words, for his actions. If he hadn't ignored him the first time, if he had stopped to look, if only, if only, if only. Someone else was grabbing at him then, and he wasn't sure if it was friend or foe as he stared at the cold and terrified face of his dead friend...

Someone shaking him, someone grabbing him. It all got confused, muddled in his head. He had not dreamed like this for quite some time. He used to, frequently, but unlike the others his dreams held him down and suffocated him, kept him still and silent. He often woke in a cold sweat, afraid to sleep for the paralysis they forced upon him. He'd been doing well, despite the odd hours he sometimes kept, until these arguments, until the stress. He'd found he was either having broken sleep, awash with nightmares of his time in the army, or he wasn't sleeping at all. He didn't know which was preferred. But something roused him now, and in his confusion half in the dream and half out of it, his instincts took over. He had grabbed the arm touching him and rolled so that he loomed over them, pinning both arms above their head. "Don't touch me!" A voice he rarely used, firm and cold was pulled out of him as he stared down in the dark to the shapeless face.. and then he blinked, and the gloom lifted a little - enough to see that he was pinned his girlfriend to the bed. His pregnant girlfriend. "Jesus fuck, Christ." He released her immediately and in one breath had flung himself backward; off the bed and halfway across the room. "God, Hayden, I'm so sorry."

[HAYDEN MAY JAMES]

DUSTIN GASPARD MCCARRAN

had she not been caught up in the moment she might have known. had she not been overtaken with the rush of emotion for what she'd felt she would have noticed how still dustin had been. she'd been sleeping next to him for long enough to be able to tell with relative certainty when he was dreaming about horrible things. as she whispered the words into his ear she'd seen it, the tense set of his jaw and she felt her heart go out to him. she wished in the moment she could shake him awake, that she could wrap her arms around him and chase the nightmares away from him, to only let him dream about the good times and the wonderful things in the world. of the laughter and the good times with his family but she couldn't and it hurt that she couldn't make it better for him. she resisted the urge to kiss his cheek softly and she decided that she'd lay back and try to get some more sleep. once he was awake in the morning she'd share the news and hopefully he could feel it then. she shifted a little, going to try and roll over but shen she did her hand slipped on the fabric and her hand brushed dustin's arm.

the change was quick, the movement swift and she'd had no time to prepare for it before his hand had clasped around her wrist. she felt the colour drain from her face and she felt the gasp of air leave her mouth as she reached her other hand up towards him to try and stop him but before she could he'd gripped that wrist too and suddenly both arms were pinned above her head and she couldn't help but feel a flash of sheer panic over the fact she was unprotected. she'd never been scared of him, she never would but he wasn't himself right now, he didn't know it was her. she felt chilled as the panic gave way to fear and she tried to let him let go of her arms. she also couldn't help the fear of what could happen to their child, she knew he'd never knowingly hurt her or them but it was those maternal instincts. she'd never tell him this but she was terrified in the moment.

"i'm sorry." she said as he growled at her not to touch him and she hoped that if she spoke to him he'd come around quicker to knowing that it was her. "dustin, let me go." she said, trying to keep her voice as even as possible, though it broke a little because having her arms pinned above her head was starting to hurt her and the grip he had on her wrists was tighter than she'd ever been held. she knew he could break them with little more than a twist of his hand and she hoped to god that he snapped out of it before that happened. not because she couldn't handle the pain, not because she scared that he'd hurt her, but because she knew he'd never forgive himself.

then almost as quick as it had started, the darkness in his eyes lifted and the man she loved was back. the release of her wrists as almost instant and she couldn't help but sit up as quickly as she could, shuffling slightly as she rested a hand across her stomach lightly without thinking about it. she could feel her heart pumping and almost hear the blood rushing through her head. her wrists ached and her shoulders hurt but that wasn't important in that moment. knowing her child was okay and that dustin was okay were the things on her mind. "dustin, you didn't mean it." she knew she couldn't tell him it was okay. he'd never believe her but she could tell him that it wasn't his fault. she reached across to turn on the light beside her bed so they weren't in darkness still and she slowly got out of bed, reaching her hand out to him. "come here" she spoke softly, "please?"

[DUSTIN GASPARD MCCARRAN]

"i'm sorry." God she was lucky, so lucky, and yet it shouldn't be that way, she shouldn't have to be lucky, that his instinct had got for subduing, for the wrists rather than the throat. He'd always been a defense over offense kind of guy, likely the only thing that had saved him in these moments from not grabbing her throat or punching out instead. Perhaps it boiled down to his training, his sergeant had always taught to disarm and disable before striking out for a counter - remove the threat before you attacked. It was luck, but he hated it. "dustin, let me go." It didn't take him long to snap out of it, though the dreams and the emotions from them lingered, the shadows still there at the corners of his vision, taunting him, threatening to suck him back into the nightmares, he clicked out of his episodes quickly when he relapsed. Probably because of his mind and how quick it was to wake, to take in his surroundings and separate the real from the fake. He didn't like it though, that it had even happened, that she had to ask that of him.

He raked a hand through his hair from his place across the room, a large shudder rolled through him, starting at the crown of his head and rolling through his body. He felt tense and shaking, a mix of the fear and adrenaline still pouring from him - the dream and then waking in that way, what he had just done to Hayden. He saw Hayden sit up, and the hand that touched her stomach made his blood run cold. He should be protecting their child, not the cause of distress, not the threat to the child's life. God he could have hurt them both so easily, before he'd even known it. He always prided himself on his self control, but even he couldn't help himself when plagued by the terrors. Dustin wasn't sure if she was going to rise and he put out a hand, palm out to her, a silent plea not to come closer. Whilst he felt like he had control, he didn't trust himself in that moment.

"dustin, you didn't mean it." That didn't matter though, did it. He shuddered again and gave a slight shake of his head, having to work hard to find his voice. He swallowed and was quiet as he sifted through the mix of thoughts and tried to find his words. "Doesn't make it right." His voice was rough, anger beginning to rise - at himself for having gotten here, when he'd been doing so much better, anger that this was still an issue. "come here. please?" He glanced at her outstretched hand and involuntarily took a step back with another shake of his head. "No. I can't." He wasn't ready, and even once he shook off the terror, he wouldn't be sleeping in their bed tonight. He couldn't risk it. What if it happened again? What if next time it was worse? He already felt off, the nightmare was still there, he knew if he by some miracle managed to fallback asleep then it would only return, or another would. He would be sleeping alone tonight.