[BENJAMIN CHARLIE RYAN]

Ben had been feeling low for a while now, and nothing he did was making it any better. Ever since they had lost the baby, and then he'd found out that he wasn't able to have kids at all he had felt awful. He'd struggled to work through his emotions, for the first time anger had played a heavy part, on the forefront of his mind and ruling his other emotions - and then from that it had flip flopped to numbness. He had argued with Blair over being out that night and not coming home, but for once he'd needed space to think. It was his default to go internal to work out his shit, he had always been that way; turning in on himself to think and work things out. He knew it meant shutting people out and he didn't mean to, but this was the first time Blair had really seen it, and obviously he hadn't handled it well either... and then it had become a full blown argument and he knew he hadn't gotten it across right then either.

He'd wanted her to have a chance to think too, because this had a huge impact on both their lives. They would never be able to have their own baby, it would never happen. He wanted her to have really thought about it properly, not just said it was okay and then be mad or upset with him later - or to resent him later on for not being able to give her something she wanted. What they both wanted. He'd needed time to grieve too - for himself. He had always wanted a family, always wanted to be a dad, and even cancer had taken that from him, and it sucked and it hurt. He'd just needed some time, and he'd been getting there - until his brother had tried to shove him and Blair together and things had exploded. He hadn't been ready and then she'd said things that had really cut deep for him, and he had felt in that moment that he didn't know the person he was looking at, that she would think and believe such awful things. It had set him back once again and he had resorted to wallowing and self pity among other things.

A couple of days ago, he'd contacted a therapist. He was working hard to get through things but he didn't know if he could do it on his own anymore and he needed someone outside of it all to talk to about this. Riding wasn't helping him, though Albatross had to be as fit as ever with all the extra miles Ben was dong in an effort to ride away the pain, even Russe had made good progress with how much work Ben had done with the mare, putting aside his mood made it great focus for a few hours until it returned. He untacked Albatross and gave the horse a pat, managing a slight smile as the gelding nudged him gently in return. At least someone still loved him. "I know, fella, I know." He sighed as he put the tack on the door and let the animal distract him by blowing on his hands.

BLAIR TIAH KALKINNY

[BLAIR TIAH KALKINNY]

BENJAMIN CHARLIE RYAN

blair closed her eyes as she felt the wind blow softly past her face and she sighed into it. the trail was quiet and polly was calm although blair wasn't sure if those were good things. it meant she didn't have to think to hard about what she was doing and when she didn't have anything to focus on, she was at a loss. the last few weeks had been hard. there had been joy first, though that joy had been mixed with sheere panic and terror but she'd been excited. then it had been ripped from her and they'd been told it had never been real and then .. that it never would be. from there things had gone from bad to worse and words had been said, people who thought they knew best had gotten involved and worse had become terrible. the things she'd said to ben, she knew she would always regret them. that heat of the moment passion where she'd let her emotions and feelings get the better of her and she'd just let lose, unleashing her grief and pain onto him when she should have known better.

since then she'd been throwing herself into her work, taking every shift she could, covering as much as she could ans doing her best to avoid going home because she had to travel past his floor, walk into her empty apartment and know he wasn't there and he wouldn't be coming. so she'd been sleeping at the station as much as her boss would let her. though enough had finally been enough and he'd told her not to come in today. to get out and do something other than work and it had been then she'd decided to come to the barn. she'd been avoiding it, knew she'd been neglecting her three other loves but she'd known they were well taken care of. they'd probably even enjoyed the downtime but she had missed them. the moment that she'd seen them it had hit her like a ton of bricks and she'd almost cried there and then.

but they'd forgive her, she knew that. they were amazing after all. she leaned down to rub her hands over polly's neck as they walked back into the yard and she pulled her up gently before she hopped off her, her feet stinging a little as she landed on the stone floor. "let's get you sorted." she said softly as she gathered the reins in her hand and started walking her into the barn, walking through the doors and almost coming face to face with ben as she did. "uh .." she came to a sudden stop as she made the noise and polly snorted in disapproval and bumped her head into blair's shoulder to show it.

[BENJAMIN CHARLIE RYAN]

Albatross snorted again as Ben scratched the underside of his chin, covering his owner in a spray of snort. Ben wrinkled his nose but it gave him a chuckle. "Oh come on bud, uncool." He joked, but Ben had never been one of those people who'd managed to stay pristine at the yard. His parents had admonished him for it with a shake of their head and a sigh, when they sent him out neat and tidy and he came back splattered in mud and covered in hay, dirt beneath his nails and dust in his hair. He'd never cared much for it, never minded. He was hygienic and always scrubbed the muck away but he was too busy working hard and caring for his horses needs than his own down at the stables, which meant getting dirty. Even when he tried to stay clean he couldn't avoid it, God knew how people did it. Personally, he wouldn't have it any other way. There was something to it, feeling like you did a good job when you came away dirty and the horse and his stall were clean. With a final pat of the horses neck, Ben conceded giving him attention for the need to get him fed instead.

He gathered the tack in his arms, better to put it back now before Alb gave it a shove with his nose and sent it to the floor, as he had a habit of doing to things within his reach. He was a sweet lad but curious and cheeky, and liked to play. Ben shifted the bridle onto his shoulder in a more secure fashion and turned, to find himself almost face to face with Blair. "uh .." it would have been funny if it wasn't immediately awkward. It was bound to happen eventually, given that they were at the same yard but so far he'd somehow managed to avoid her. Be it miracle or fate or luck, and now that was clearly over with. Couldn't they have just driven past each other or seen each other from afar? Why'd it have to be face to face in an otherwise empty barn isle. He hesitated, shifting the heavy saddle in his hands, unsure what to do. This kind of situation was well out of his forte. What was the etiquette for this? What should be say or do? The silence felt like it had gone on forever, or at least way too long. Ben cleared his throat, the best thing to do was be polite at least, right? 🖕"Uhm, hey..." okay words, that was a good start right? Better that uhhh.

BLAIR TIAH KALKINNY