[BLAIR TIAH KALKINNY]

BENJAMIN CHARLIE RYAN

there was not a tear left within her, she'd cried more than she'd cried in years when she'd heard that ben had been hurt in the hold up at the coffee shop. she'd been on duty when the call had come through, her and her partner one of the units tasks to attend and assist the injured once the scene was secured. she hadn't even thought of ben as they'd been driving there. her work brain was able to focus on what she was doing and what she needed to do before they arrived. they'd gone over the checks, how they'd have each other's back and their exit plan for if things went south. that had all been thrown out the window when they'd pulled up and ben's car was the first one she'd seen in the parking lot. she had never experienced that snap in her mind before, forgetting everything she'd been taught, what she'd planned and that she needed to keep an eye on her partner as she'd legged it into the cafe past the officers, other people and other injured people. she needed to lay her eyes on him, to make sure that he was okay. there was reports of a stabbing. she needed to know that it wasn't him.

then she'd seen the officers working on ben and there wasn't much she remembered after that moment. she'd screamed his name as she'd run over to him, dropping to her knees beside him as hands tried to grab at her to pull her away. they were right, she'd been a mess. she hadn't been able to help the situation and she would have been making it worse but she'd fought them, reaching out to grip ben's hand tightly and refusing to leave him. she hadn't left him since. she'd gone with him to the hospital when they'd gotten him out of there, she'd gone with him into the er, she'd stayed right outside the doors of the surgery room he'd been in and she'd been sitting in his room while they waited for him to wake up. no one had been able to convince her to leave, not ben's parents, his siblings or any of the people who knew her at the hospital.

she was still in the clothes that had his blood smeared over them. she'd cleaned her hands but that was it, leaving to change wasn't an option. she needed to be there when he woke up. they hadn't been solid for a while. the distance between them had been something they hadn't been able to fix yet and now she was terrified that she'd never get the chance. she needed to see him open his eyes, to be able to tell him that she loved him and that she needed him more than anything. if this last few hours had taught her that, it was that her love for him wasn't going anywhere. she had his hand clasped in both of hers, listening to the steady beep of the machines he was hooked up to. she lowered her head down onto the mattress next to their hands, exhausted from the events of today but far to wired to even think about closing her eyes. every time she did she was taken back to the moment she'd seen him on the floor of the cafe and she didn't want to go there right now.

[BENJAMIN CHARLIE RYAN]

Ben only had vague recollections of what happened. Everything became a kaleidoscope of memories or dreams or nightmares, he wasn't quite sure which. The feeling of being stabbed was at the forefront of it all, what stood out the most. Weirdly enough, that was crystal clear - he could see every detail of that moment, feel every inch of the blade as it sank in. Stupid, so stupid, of him to have thought he, of all people, could talk someone down. All he'd done was succeed in nearly getting himself killed. Luckily, the wound wasn't fatal, but had it been a few inches to the left, it would have been. Who did he thank for that, God? It felt far too much like a joke to thank him for anything, after all the shit after shit Ben had been through -and yet there was Blair, someone had brought him Blair.

Blair had been there, he knew she had, he could sense her near him, feel her holding his hand even as he swam somewhere in the near-dark. She kept him holding on, when it would have been easy to slip away, to let himself go. Blair was the light in his tunnel. He had a flash of the ambulance, a flash of blue sky before it, then after it, a bustle of noise too much to make out individual words, just impressions - of panic, of worry, of fear. He hated it, but he couldn't even find his lips to say something, couldn't open his eyes. Eventually he fell into the oblivion, unable to hold on any longer, especially when the soft warm hand in his slipped from his grasp and he couldn't get her back.

He woke at some time later, with no idea of what day it was, but able to tell at least where he was. The hospital was almost as familiar as his own bed, he'd been in and out of them for so many years, despised them too. The constant beeping, the bacterial smell, the quiet hum of machines and people. He struggled but finally managed to pull apart his eye lids, letting out a little cough and then a groan of pain as it pulled the stitches of his wound. He felt heavy and tired, exhausted even, but his stomach ached something chronic. He turned his head, sensing that Blair was near, and needing to see her, to know she was real.

BLAIR TIAH KALKINNY