May 4, 2014 5:45:13 GMT
live to obey
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b e f o r e you
first entryMy psychiatrist once told me to write down who I think I am. I obey everything I am asked to do (as long as it will not harm another living creature), I can not lie to another adult, I am terrified of what might happen if I do the wrong thing. I did as I was told, but never showed it to him.
Here is what I wrote:
Inside Cara.
On the outside, you will see me dressed up to the nines. I ride dressed as though I am about to enter a show ring. Out of the saddle if I am not training in another of the many sports I participate in, I am dressed as though I am about to go on a job interview. I can be passed off by other people as a snob because I walk with a straight back, shoulders down and back and head held just so, this is also due to my English accent - which comes from being in England for so long.
Is this me though?I wear what I wear because it is what is expected of me, and because it is all I own. My life was mapped out for me by my father, but other than what was on the will, other people have made decisions on my behalf. I was trained at an early age to obey - one might say I had it beaten in to me (literally).I may seem calm and confident to all of you. On the inside, I am terrified. I am always waiting for it all to hit the fan.
My first sport lesson - gymnastics - started pretty much as soon as I went into foster care, ballet shortly followed by equestrian and then skating. I took all of theses under my wing, and I excelled in all of them. Later in life, I learned to relish in the fact that my coaching sessions got me out of the houses I was staying in for a little longer.
School was a little difficult at first, as I could remember everything, and it wasn't until I began to do my own study that I found out that I had a photographic memory. I can quote books, right down to line, paragraph and page number. School became easy after that, I got through the work fast enough tat I could put more time into my sports. The sad part about my memory. I can remember everything that I want to forget and nothing I want to remember. I can bring up the face of every man who has laid a hand on me, but I can't even bring up a shadow of what my parents looked like.
Working with horses became the one brightness in my life. They were the ones I could trust with everything. I could tell them everything that was happening and they would keep my secrets. Not only that, but they never looked down on my mixed breeding, the way most humans do (especially those I share my blood with).
Over time, I built a wall around myself. Emotions give people power over you, the more emotion, the more power the other person seems to have. I haven't shed a tear since before I started my schooling career, I don't smile unless I'm riding a horse, talking to a much smaller child or doing one of my other sports - and only then if I really get lost in what I'm doing, or one of the show smiles that all athletes are known for. The closest I get to emotion is the odd frown people say I give when deep in thought.
Do I trust you? I don't even trust myself.
The eyes are the window to the soul You will never see inside mine.
If only I could light a match to this...χ Cara-Jean
today is where your
b o o k b e g i n s
b o o k b e g i n s
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the rest is still
u n w r i t t e n
the rest is still
u n w r i t t e n