[Joseph Khair Mccarran]

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"I never called you an ass. Don't forget some of us have a vague understanding on what you're going through. You don't have the monopoly on the army hurting you badly enough to change your life, so stop acting like a fucking martyr and that you're the only one whose ever come home hurt."

Joe couldn't help curling his fists, making his knuckles pop. His jaw set, cracked and set ever tighter as he let Avery fire back at him.

"Forgive me for wanting my brother to know his sister in law and his nephews."

His skin itched, a vein in his neck surfacing under the tension that was building up.

"If you don't want to be a part of the family why are you here? A free roof over your head and food you don't have to pay for?" he asked him, honestly wanting to know the reason. "If your family is irrelevant, why put yourself through being around us."

Because it's expected. It's what everyone else wanted.

"Don't." he snapped at him. "Don't say that about her if you haven't cared enough to find out what she went through to make her bitter."

"You might not care about her but we do, this is her home and if you can't handle that fact, that's a you problem Joe."

Joe wasn't sure what part pushed him over his tipping point, what word or trigger brought on that seething black rage that made the world turn into a hazy mess. Everything was too warm, too loud, heart pounding in his ears, trying to break his ribs. His hands were shaking, it was so hard to breathe.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!" he barked furiously, getting up from where he was sat, "I can't fucking win! I put on a good face, it's not good enough! I stay out of the fucking way so that no one else becomes collateral damage and it's not fucking good enough!"

He violently pulled off his gloves and threw them at the house, "I WANT TO GIVE A DAMN! I WANT TO FUCKING FEEL SOMETHING OTHER THAN HATE BUT HATE IS ALL I HAVE! I CAN'T EAT, I CAN'T SLEEP, I CAN'T DEAL WITH ALL THE CHANGE! I AM TRYING AND IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH - I AM AWARE OF HOW FUCKED UP I'M BEING, I AM AWARE BECAUSE I AM WATCHING MYSELF AND THERE IS NO WAY TO STOP!"

He let himself fall back onto the grass, angrily yanking his leg out from his jeans and tossed it aside sickened by it, body violently trembling.

"I never said anyone had it less or worse than me! I never said I wanted anyone to care about my bullshit! There is so much fucking expectation to let everyone in, to let you help but there is nothing you can do to stop what I am feeling, what I see, what I hear what little I can hear at any given point! I am in pain and I can't make it go away!"

He didn't register the hot tears that were falling down his face, roughly pulling his jumper off to scrub his face, suddenly far too hot to deal with everything. He didn't care any more, he was angry and hurt and he didn't know how to turn off the waves of feelings. It was all too much to deal with.

"I'M NOT ME!"

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[AVERY ROCKE MCCARRAN]

Joseph Khair Mccarran

the moment the floodgates opened and hot words spilled from his brother's mouth, avery let him go. he couldn't think of something joe needed more than to let go, to let what he was feeling out and maybe he'd been a bit of an ass about it but it had seemed to work. he could understand, he knew exactly what joe was talking about. their experiences were different but coming home was hard, getting back into the family mindset and it had taken avery meeting holly before he'd really settled back into life here. but she'd pushed him, she'd made him see and he hadn't been able to hide things from her. she'd got him talking and it was what he'd needed in the moment. he doubted that joe would have been as receptive to kind words, since he'd seemed to want to bite everyone's hands off that tried to offer them so he'd gone a different approach.

he sat there with his arms folded on his knees, watching his brother fall back to the ground. it took everything in him to stay where he was sitting and to not go over to see if he needed help but he did it. what happened next though, he wasn't expecting that. the moment that joe threw the leg across the yard, it clicked. it made sense, the trouble he'd had going upstairs and everything in between. he tried not to show the shock on his face because the last thing joe needed right now was to be molly coddled, or that was his thinking. he couldn't do the sympathetic routine, tell joe he was sorry it had happened. he was, but he doubted the words would mean anything to his brother in that moment.

he waited until it seemed like his brother was finished and he looked across at him and he leaned forward slightly, pressing his elbows into his knees as he looked at his brother. "feel a little better now you let go of some of it?" he asked him, knowing the answer could go either way. it could have helped or it could have made it worse but he'd felt like he had to try something different. "oh and i'd go grab your leg before gadget thinks it's a stick and runs away with it." was he still shocked at that? of course. was he still going to rein it in for now? fuck yes. he'd lose it over the fact his baby brother had gone through that on his own later.

[Joseph Khair Mccarran]

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"Feel a little better now you let go of some of it?"

The question baffled him - what kind of question was that? He was glad that he had his jumper covering his face, he didn't want to give Avery the satisfaction of seeing him struggling to comprehend his own thoughts. Did he feel any better? He didn't even know. He needed time to process it.

"Oh and I'd go grab your leg before gadget thinks it's a stick and runs away with it."

That stung. No, it outright tore at the barely healing edges of a larger wound. But he kept it on the inside, making sure that he didn't betray himself to the outside world. He counted to three in his head before he roughly pulled his jumper back on, and looked at his brother for a moment, expressionless. Internally bitter, angry and hurt. Before turning so he could rest on his stomach and started to crawl towards his leg.

"You can go away now," he said, tone dead.

It felt like forever before he reached the prosthetic, pointedly turned away from his brother as he began to work the limb back into the leg of his jeans, and once it was slid back into place, he crawled to the side of the house and began trying to stand. It would've been easier had he had the door way to use, but he refused to get within range of his brother.

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[AVERY ROCKE MCCARRAN]

Joseph Khair Mccarran

internally he was a wreck. he could feel his heard thumping against his rib cage so hard he could have sworn that joe would have been able to see it had he looked hard enough. he wanted nothing more than to run over to his brother and wrap his arms around him, hold him close and tell him that everything would be okay but there were so many reasons why he couldn't do that. joe wouldn't accept it, he hadn't accepted their affection since the moment he'd come home and avery understood that, he'd been the same. he'd pushed them away when he'd come home in the chair, he'd felt miserable and sorry for himself and he'd hated the world for it and some tough love from his family and holly walking into his life had helped him through it. tough love wasn't something that came easy for avery but he knew about masking and feeling the need to hide away and he also knew what it was like to not feel himself. he couldn't begin to know excatly how joe was feeling but he had a small idea.

he did have to look away for a second as joe made his way to the leg he'd thrown and he rubbed his hand over his chin slightly and he cleared his throat when it tightened. he distracted himself from the scene in front of him by reaching down to run his hand along gadgets back now the dog had settled next to him. "i'm enjoying the sunshine" he said as he looked back at his brother and he followed him with his eyes as he made his way back to the house. he had to grab his dogs collar to stop him from running over to joe as he tried to stand, knowing that gadget would turn it into a game. he turned and ushered the dog inside once he had close the door he turned back to his little brother. "if i offered you a hand, would you bite it?"